I think I've found the components of being happy:

1) Get to bed early and get enough sleep that you're actually awake before 9am.
2) Get your work done ahead of time whenever possible.
3) Eat a good breakfast, and enjoy your cup of coffee, rather than rush it.
4) Exercise, even if you can't get to the gym or go for a run.
5) Bring your lunch, cook your own dinner - just eat real meals, and eat enough.
6) Make art.
7) Work hard.
8) Be honest.

And so, it's starting to be okay.

OH MAN TIME FOR X-MAS ICONS!!

And I'm not gonna stop.

I got on a kick - I found something artistic that I love to do, and looks kinda cool. So rather than squash my inspiration in lieu of getting degree project done, I'm going to try and use this as a reward - if I get my work done in a timely fashion, I'll do another owl painting. I figure in a few weeks, I'll have a whole collection!

( Not huge pictures, but I don't want to bombard your friends pages... )

New stills (media test frames) from degree project up on the artsy blog here. I've found it really encouraging to have a dedicated place to put progress - it makes me want to work more. And I have no idea what's happened, but today inspiration just SMACKED me in the face. I'm toying with the idea of getting notecards or postcards printed with some of the prettier stills from my animations on them - it'd look nice mounted in a portfolio, and may make good gifts for family members...

So, I have this degree project about being afraid of growing up. The character gets thrown into chaos but with love, manages to get through. But I cannot, for the life of me, think of a clever title. Does anyone have any ideas? It's a pretty serious/semi abstract film. :( I'll give you thanks in my credits!!

I feel like a hot mess.

I just love my family and my grandpa so much, and I was so scared I was going to lose him. And now the relief that he's doing better just makes me feel like I was wound up so tight and strong, and now I'm nothing more than a frayed bunch of useless wires.

Gonna go to sleep now. Hopefully my dreams will be more restful than the bizarre action/adventure thriller I was in last night. o_O

Lord, I'm in love.

Off to see Grandpa, I think today he's going to be awake!

When I saw my grandpa hooked up to all those machines, it felt like a rock in my stomach. It's not an idea, it's not a tv show, it's not some horror I made up lying in bed to scare myself. There was my grandpa, who almost never stops smiling and cracking jokes, lying so frail on some hospital bed. It was awful. I didn't know what to say to him, but I held him arm and talked anyway.

I didn't expect to have a conversation with him. One of his sedatives had come out, and he was a bit more 'with it' than normal. He was trying so hard to open his eye, and he'd raise his eyebrow when I spoke to show he heard me. I asked if he was in pain, and he shook his head. I told him I'd just seen my two uncles, and he nodded. One of the nurses was fiddling with things and said 'oh, he does ALL his talking with his eyebrows'. It's a trait I get from him, actually, we're a bit too expressive with our eyebrows. In fact, I can remember practicing for weeks when I saw him wiggle both eyebrows in a wave once. And I taught myself. No one else was looking, but when the nurse said that, he wiggled his eyebrow, and I had to laugh, because that's my grandpa, cracking jokes even when he can't move or breath on his own or open his eyes.

There were a few very upsetting minutes where he was trying to tell me something and I couldn't figure it out. The nurses told him to rest and not try to talk, but when they went away he kept mouthing to me the same word, what looked like 'wait'. I told him I couldn't understand him, but that he needed to rest, and we could talk later. But he kept saying this word, and I was nearly to the point of tears, it was so frustrating. Sarah then asked 'does he know he's in the hospital?' to which I said 'well, yeah...wait'. I turned to my grandpa. 'Grandpa, you know you're in the hospital, right?' and he shook his head. Apparently, the sedatives they give him make him amnesiac. What he'd been trying to say was 'what', as in 'what happened?'. I asked the nurse if it was okay to tell him that he'd had a heart attack, and she said yes, but he'd forget in a few minutes anyway (she'd already told him three times that day, apparently). But I felt better at least knowing what he'd wanted. I was about to tell him, but he'd fallen back asleep, so I let him rest.

*sigh* I want to see him better and smiling and talking again. I suppose it'll just take time. I need a cup of coffee and a hug. I am getting some TENSE shoulder and neck muscles.

Mom says he's doing a bit better. This, while hardly substantial, feels like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Yay Grandpa.

Wanna be home wif ma family nao plz.

I just keep telling people 'there's a family emergency', but that seems so strange.

Grandpa had a heart attack. A very, very bad heart attack. They weren't sure he'd make it through the night, but he did, and even though he's really not well right now, he's alive, and it's all I can do to keep working and walking when my head (I mistyped and wrote 'heart') keeps screaming my grandpa is dying, how can you all just stand there?!', but I know that's unfair because they're just strangers and they don't know.

God, Buddha, Allah, whatever is out there, please let him be okay.

After doing another pass of my degree project clouds, I decided to take a break and just animate, no weeks of planning, no computer reference. Just me, a flip book, and a light box. Therefore I present to you my degree project a la stick figures. (Just let it buffer for a few seconds before it starts to play, or it loses the beginning.)



Of course, if you're interested in seeing the basically-done storm clouds that are actually part of DP, there's a little vid up on the art blog again. I like it much better with the ink lines, and I was much more careful about realistic movement from frame to frame. I think it shows.

But if THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, here's a commissioned collage map I'm working on! Someone is going to pay me money for it, how cool is that? I'll see if I can finish it tonight and post a picture later...

Rew's spring semester looks a little something like this:

Monday: Social Psychology 1:40-4:40
Tuesday: Degree Project II 9:00-1:00
Wednesday: Australian Art 9:45-12:45, Animation Portfolio 3:00-7:00
Thursday: Design for Animators 1:30-5:30
Friday: Crossing the Pond (UK Trip Course) 9:00-12:00

That Friday class won't involve any real work, and probably won't even meet every week. The portfolio class (I assume?) doesn't require making any new artwork, just learning about resumes, demo reels, etc. DP II is going to be one hell of a class, but I think I'm ready. As for social psych and Australian art, they're classes that fulfill requirements, but I'm actually pretty interested in both. I am SO pumped for next semester!

Speaking of degree project, my first two animation tests are done! More to come in the next day or two, but for now, if you're interested the clips are posted on my animation blog here.

Hmm. Methinks it's nearly time to look for winter icons.

Okay. Off to health services, followed by database entry work. The things I do for 8$ an hour...

Oh ho ho ho.

Ah ha.

Yes.



This is 500 pages of 4x6" hand tea-stained drawing paper, which I paid $70 for, and which will soon become frames in my degree project.

Yes. I outsourced. And I am so excited to get them!!

So today, I've:

-Gotten 6 1/2 hours of sleep (not bad, considering)
-Taken an epic shower
-Done my hair
-Gotten dressed
-Changed the fish's water
-Changed the litter box
-Swept the entire stairwell when said litter spilled everywhere
-Cooked fall-apart-with-a-fork ribs, edamame, and rice for lunch today and dinner tomorrow
-Enjoyed a cup of coffee
-Washed all my dishes
-Cleaned and vacuumed my room
-Taken a nice nap
-Played with Lila
-Followed up on some scheduling issues with people
-Started my Art of Ancient Iraq homework (which I'll finish at least half of before anything else)
-I'm going to go out for groceries soon and
-I'm going to see The Taming of the Shrew with my Shakespeare class tonight, followed by seeing John

So why, oh why, do I feel like I've done NOTHING?!?

Maybe I just need to walk down the street for coffee - being in my room all day is never good, even if it is a fairly productive cozy day. I wish I felt the motivation I'd felt when I first came back from Ottawa. Meh, maybe my body is fighting something and doesn't want me to move as a result.

I have so much to say about this year's Ottawa, but to summarize, it was one of the best trips ever. I had so much fun, I feel inspired, I feel excited, and I feel like me. Just me, no regrets, no pain. I feel like Rew again, and it's the best thing I could've asked for.

I love to travel. Which is why I'm going to England and Scotland in Feb./March of 2010. I got the scholarship, so it's half price. And I found out that my Merck animation got onto the school show reel. Some tiny part of me will be in the Massart archives forever, and trickle onto televisions across the world as people buy/receive the DVD.

I make art. I love my classmates, and feel so comfortable with them. I want to sing, and sleep, and travel some more. I want to cuddle and love and keep feeling happy - it's such a nice change.

Look for the huge mass of trip photos to be posted soon - I'll drop the best handful on here too, perhaps, if anyone's interested.

I'm so insecure today that I can't even write a livejournal post. I keep typing and deleting, certain I sound like an idiot.

Oi. My head and neck hurt like a bitch, but I'm in Canada, I'm with amazing people and I'm seeing famous film makers. It's awesome.

So why am I feeling so down?

I feel so inadequate. And...like a bad artist. I just want to go home and curl up in bed.

I have to go sit and force myself to do degree project concept art now, but I'm sleepy and want to get back to cuddling and napping. Alas.

But I realized that quite a few of my last posts have been private. Which is a shame, because they'll all about how happy I am. I keep using my happy green sparkly icon. But they've got details about why I'm happy that I'm too scared to share, lest I get attacked/looked down upon/reprimanded for them.

So I'll just say this: right now, things are changing, for the better, and I am happy. I'm not disillusioned, I'm not fake anymore. I'm just happy. And it is very, very nice.

I'm also SO SLEEPY and DUN WANNA, but art I must!

PS Rews hate the cold. O__o

Edit: But I don't mean at all that any of my friends would be upset or unhappy that I'm happy! I think most all of them would tell me that's what matters, because I have awesome wonderful friends.

This is a post mostly for myself, but I'm making it public in case it catches anyone's interest (or they want to make one of their own!)

Every once in a while, I hear a song that just makes me think SUMMER. It can be for lots of reasons: either it's a song from my childhood, or it's about summer, or it just causes that free feeling. Lots of them are silly and kind of embarrassing, but the most frustrating thing is that for the life of me, I can never remember them. I hear them and go 'ooh! It's one of my summer songs!' but then they're gone. There's no formula to finding them - they just are, and they're so particular to me.

So here I am, and I'm going to update this periodically, and hopefully before next summer, I'll have a good long list of songs ready for listening. My dream is to burn them to CD and play them on my first road trip, with the windows down, an iced coffee, and a carload of friends screaming along or going 'oh man I LOVE this song!' as we drive off towards...somewhere.

-'The Way' by Fastball
-'When I Get You Alone' by Robin Thicke

Does anyone have any recordings of good classical music they'd be willing to share with me? I have like...six or seven songs that I listen to on repeat, and it's really time to expand my list. I love Beethoven (although I have his 5th) and Tchaivosky (I have his 1812 Overture), and music in those veins. Orchestras; epic, or moving, or beautiful. I'd love you forever and would totally be willing to share any music I have that you'd like.

"Shine"
Take That

You, you're such a big star to me
You're everything I wanna be
But you're stuck in a hole and I want you to get out
I don't know what there is to see
But I know it's time for you to leave
We're all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out, out, out.

All your anticipation pulls you down
When you can have it all, you can have it all.

So come on, come on, get it on
Don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine.

Stop being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good and you might want to smile, smile, smile.

Don't you let your demons pull you down
'Cause you can have it all, you can have it all.

Hey let me know you
You're all that matters to me
Hey let me show you
You're all that matters to me.

Hey let me love you
You're all that matters to me
Hey so come on yeah
Shine all your light over me.

I'd never heard this before, it's so upbeat.

I FINALLY got enough sleep last night (not as much as I'd like, but enough to be awake and alert).

I finished my travel course application and handed it and my essay in to apply to go to Scotland/England or Egypt this spring.

I got all my Ottawa forms filled out and handed in.

I have my first paycheck due to me this Friday, and all my time sheets are in exact order.

My schedule is set - since I dropped 'Imaginative Drawing', I'll need to take six classes this spring, but one of them will hopefully be the Scotland/England class, which isn't work, and the other can be a studio elective I actually care about, like 'Stop Motion 2' or 'Design for Animators' (which is basically my interests turned into a class).

I have an iced coffee.

I enjoyed the world's best pot stickers and a wonderful glass of wine with great people last night at Alex's birthday dinner.

I've got a freelance secretary job working for Adrian, which pays well AND will help me get organized about submitting to festivals.

I'm caught up on all my homework, for the most part.

I'm starting to actually get somewhere in planning for my degree project.

I'm running a 5k this coming Saturday morning.

I'm at work right now, helping my department to be organized and run well.

And I am happy.